My Husband Defends His Ex Wife – 23 Guaranteed Ways To Help!

Do you feel like my husband defends his ex wife ALL THE TIME?

It must feel like an absolute pain to be treated as if you are second best. You must be feeling so insecure and alone right now.

Left feeling confused at this point because you are not sure what to do about this thorny issue?

I can assure you that his continued actions don’t look very good to those around you either including your kids.

Don’t worry, I am here to walk you through why this keeps happening and what you can do to reduce future instances.

So hold on tight as I delve into the topic!

Disclaimer:

Some of the links on here are affiliate links and I may earn if you click on them, AT NO EXTRA cost to you. Hope you find the information here useful! Thanks.

My Husband Defends His Ex Wife – Why (30 Reasons) & What To Do (23 Tips)

1. They Have Kids Together

A whole life was built before you. Courtship, marriage, and the birth of their kids. You must surely understand that the shared history between them is strong.

Well, whether you like it or not if they have kids together, it’s hard to really stand in the way.

But here’s what you can do.

Focus on your current relationship and make him feel like he is the man of your dreams then maybe slowly he will have a different perspective.

2. He Hates Arguments

Whenever you and the ex wife argue, he just wants to avoid all conversation and retreat.

Men are generally not argumentative in nature so he might just defend his ex wife for the sake of it to avoid any future issues with the children.

3. He Still Has Some Feelings For Her

“Can he love me and his wife”?

This is a tough one. Just like the shared history, there might be a lot of love left for her.

He might be feeling guilty that things didn’t work out between them and might still have affection or even adoration for her.

Just a thought. He might love you but he might also love you. I know that it isn’t fun to hear that but you cannot discount the possibility of this.

4. He Is Good Natured

There is a reason why you married him. Perhaps he is a good-natured person and thinks the best of everyone. This could be a reason why you often think my Husband defends his ex wife more than me.

5. Submissive

Is he submissive in nature? Maybe the divorce took a toll on him and right now he just wants peace with his ex and would do anything for it.

Even if it means defending her over you.

6. He Thinks You Are Overreacting

This requires a lot of self-reflection. Are you being overly sensitive? Maybe he thinks you are overreacting and your ex requires being defended.

7. He Is Just Her Friend

Their relationship is deeply rooted in friendship which means he may not always be so objective as he wants to please her. Could this be a reason for why you may think my husband defends his ex wife?

8. You Were Negatively Talking About Her

Are you always criticizing her? He might feel frustrated when you do and he might think that defending her is the best way to stop your constant tirades.

9. He Still Respects Her Parents

He could have had a great relationship with her parents and to this day, he feels like he owes it to them to care for their daughter despite their relationship ending.

10. He Is Scared

He might be scared of his ex wife because of previous issues they had in their marriage. Hence why you often feel like my husband defends his ex wife.

11. He Doesn’t Want Drama

Men detest drama. He just wants the bickering between the both of you to stop.

12. His Instincts

His instincts are telling him that his ex is right and not you. Not a pleasant thought as to why you may wonder why does my husband defends his ex wife.

13. He Is Trying To Be Balanced

Look, it isn’t easy to juggle a new family while maintaining a good relationship with his previous family. So to be balanced, he might be seen as constantly taking her side.

14 He Is Just Not Over Her

Many people cannot get over their exes. Maybe your husband is one of them too.

15. Confusion

He might be confused whenever there is a fight and since his ex is the outsider, it is only natural for him to choose her over you because he still cares what she thinks of him,

16. He Can’t Set Boundaries

He might not be able to set boundaries if he doesn’t know how to. Furthermore, you might not have even communicated the importance of this to him.

17. He Is Not Committed To You

You might not be the one he favors as he is not fully committed to you yet.

18. You Never Complained

Have you had a conversation about it with him?

I am not talking about fighting about it but an actual deep dive into why it hurts you and what the both of you can do together the next time it happens.

If you don’t say anything and keep things to yourself, you cannot expect him to know how you may think or feel. This is why he goes around defending her because no one ever says anything.

19. She Still Talks With His Parents

Is she still in communication with his parents? Do they have a good relationship because of the grandchildren?

If so, you must understand why he would defend his ex more than you.

20. She Is Very Rich

Could alimony be a factor in why he is so submissive to her? Perhaps she earns more and is the one providing financial aid to your husband/ partner after the divorce.

21. The Bond Is Strong

They existed long before you and the shared emotions and struggles over the many years may have bonded them.

Not to mention having children together. The intimacy between them is just another level and it is hard for you to come between that.

22. He Still Thinks She Is Always Right

Maybe this was their relationship dynamics from the start where she was always treated as if she was right. If this is so, you cannot expect it to change overnight.

23. He Feels You Hate Her

Do you resent her? Maybe he senses a strong level of hatred and he feels the need to be there for her as she is suddenly the vulnerable one in the relationship.

24. He Still Cares For Her

He is and will always care for her. Unfortunately, this is a fact that you will need to live with.

25. He Is Still Protective Of Her

Did she have a traumatic childhood? Maybe he feels the need to be her knight in shining armor to prevent her from having the same experience as you.

26. He Is Indebted To Her

She might have made a lot of sacrifices in their marriage and this is why he will always feel indebted to her.

27. She Is Sick

Could she be suffering from an illness not known to you?

Maybe it is something only shared with your partner and this is why he rises to her defense each time there is an argument.

28. They Have Family Secrets

Family secrets can be a bonding experience between them.

That shared knowledge creates a deeper level of intimacy and he is unable to distinguish that from other parts of his relationship

29. He Wants To Be A Good Role Model For The Kids

Your husband wants to set a good example for his kids. After all, what example is he setting when he turns against their mother in defense of his new wife?

30. They Have Mutual Friends

He doesn’t just see her when he picks up the kids. He sees her at mutual friends’ events like birthday parties, hangouts, etc.

So that is why he needs to be in her good books all the time.

What Should I Do Now That My Husband Is Still Defending His Ex-Wife? (23 Tips)

1. Avoid Overreacting

Stop overreacting. I know this is extremely hard to do especially when he keeps doing this repeatedly.

But I assure you, no one ever listens when another is angry and harshly speaks to them.

Here’s a tip I use when I am frustrated with my husband and wish to tell him off right that minute.

I listen to hardcore rock in the car and jam out like there is no tomorrow.

I swear, I feel so much calmer (the irony, I know) right after and can have a proper conversation with him to address any concerns or frustrations I may have.

2. Speak At The Right Time

I am so guilty of this. I have been known to just lay it all on my husband when he comes home from work.

But do you think you would listen if the roles were reversed? So please find the right time to speak to your husband.

3. Talk To Him

There is an art to having a conversation. Share with him in a safe space how you feel when he defends his ex-wife.

Also, consider coming up with a few action steps that both of you can agree on the next time it happens.

4. Allow A Different View

I can imagine you furiously googling the topic of how to deal with the ex wife of your husband but let the following question truly sink in.

Could his ex-wife be right?

Perhaps it is time to examine your thoughts and self-biases.

5. Understand Your Hubby

Do you truly understand your husband? It might be his nature not to create conflict because he grew up in a difficult home.

7. Let Him Know You Are Worried

It is fair for you to voice out your concerns and worries. After all, you need to do it so that you do not have to harbor any resentment in your marriage.

8. Be Honest

If you do not have an honest conversation, you cannot expect him to change his ways.

That is because he may not even know that it is creating so much hurt and discontentment in you.

9. Put Yourself In Her Shoes

Have you considered what it is like to be her? She now sees you with her ex-husband and children.

I assure you, it is not an easy thought at all to see the life she could have had.

So maybe this is why she wants to be right and win arguments all the time.

10. Listen To Your Hubby

If you have spoken to your husband, listen intently to what he says. He might share with you things he may not have told you before as to why he behaves this way.

11. Ask Him The Tough Questions

Don’t skimp on the hard questions. Be direct. Men appreciate it.

12. Process Any Jealous Feelings

It is normal to feel second best. After all, you are the second wife but try to process those feelings even if it takes you more than a week before talking to your husband.

This way, you may be more rational in your thoughts.

13. Spend Quality Time Together

For your husband to trust in your judgment and opinion, he must feel close to you. So spend some quality time together.

Psss…it doesn’t have to cost you much. There are tonnes of cheap date ideas for you to choose from!

14. Avoid Speaking Negatively About Her

Perhaps you can lay off expressing any negative opinions about her.

15. Be Objective

Ask yourself if you are being fair when you do express your emotions to your husband.

16. Implement Strategies To Keep Your Emotions In Check

Just like how I shared how I keep calm when I am frustrated at my husband, consider implementing some of your strategies to keep your emotions at bay.

Some examples may include:

• Going for a walk
• Exercising
• Calling a friend
• Gardening

17. Practise Self Care

When we are frustrated at others, it usually means we are operating from a place of lack.

Try to practice some self-care so that you can gain some perspective that all is not lost with the world and you are not a victim in this situation.

18. Don’t Dwell On The Past

There is no one size fits all approach to how to handle the ex wife but dwelling on the past will definitely not help.

The past doesn’t belong to anyone. Your time and energy are finite so use it productively and wisely.

19. Set Boundaries

You might need to establish boundaries if you feel none of the other steps have worked in your relationship.

20. Avoid Resenting Your Spouse

I know you may feel like my husband defends everyone but me but try not to resent him.

Your spouse is trying to do his best in managing all relationships here so please avoid pinning the blame solely on him. It will only hurt your marriage.

21. Spend Time With The Ex

Get to know the ex wife. Because right now you could just be framing it in her head that she is a manipulative ex wife and this could be furthest from the truth.

You never know, you may just find commonalities besides sharing the same spouse!

22. Understand Your Triggers

This requires you to think hard. Understand what is making you so triggered every time he defends his ex wife.

Does it stem from feelings of not being good enough? Similar to your childhood.

The answer may just lie in your past.

23. Seek Professional Help

If all else fails, consider getting a neutral party such as a trained therapist to help provide a framework that all of you can work on.

Conclusion

So folks, there you have it, we have reached the end of this article on my husband defending his ex-wife!

Now that we have gone through the reasons why it happens, I hope you can try to move forward in your marriage by taking some of the suggested action steps.

It won’t always be easy but this is what growth often looks like. It comes from a place of “pain”.

Regardless of what you decide to do, I wish you nothing but the best in your marriage. Sending you love and light, always!

Frequently Asked Questions On My Husband Defends His Ex Wife

How Do You Know If He Still Loves His Ex?

It is likely that they are still on their mind if your partner seems to be constantly mentioning their ex.

Do note that it is normal to speak about his ex from time to time as there could be some lingering feelings. Even badmouthing them may mean they are thinking of the ex.

Is It A Red Flag If He Still Talks To His Ex Wife?

No, it’s not always a red flag. Some people are friends with their exes long after the relationship ends.

They could have been sharing children, pets, or even special memories which may make it hard to end things just like that.

It is therefore important to speak to your partner to understand why.

How Do You Know If He Is Not Over His Ex?

You should take the time to decide what you want to do next if you notice that these things are occurring

• He still keeps some things from the relationship
• He speaks to her family regularly
• He is still close friends with his ex
• He knows the current details of his ex

Should A Husband Always Defend His Wife?

Yes, be sure to defend your spouse in public; correct your spouse in private. Even the Bible concluded that your spouse is your first priority after God.

You can easily speak honestly once everyone has left the room. If not, other people can easily come in between you and your spouse.

Should A Husband Keep A Secret From His Wife?

No, withholding information or facts your spouse needs to know in decision-making is harmful manipulation.

Secrets can hurt your marriage such as having an affair. If you are keeping a secret because you do not want to face responsibility, understand that this can create problems in your marriage, whether currently or in the future.

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