My Husband Defends Everyone But Me – 25 Quick & Easy Solutions

Do you feel like my husband defends everyone but me?

I know it can make you feel alone in your marriage. You start the downward spiral of blaming yourself as you are left confused by his actions.

This also doesn’t look very good to your kids when they see their father defending everyone else but their mother.

I am here to truly empathize with your struggle by helping you understand why this happens and share some of the tips and strategies you can use to help minimize future occurrences.

So let’s scroll on to get into those topics!

Disclaimer:

Some of the links on here are affiliate links and I may earn if you click on them, AT NO EXTRA cost to you. Hope you find the information here useful! Thanks.

17 Reasons Why My Husband Defends Everyone But Me

1. He Lost Interest

He has lost the passion he once had for you. You used to be the woman of his dreams but now, he feels numb.

Remember that the opposite of love is not in fact hate but it is indifference –it means, he feels nothing.

So why on earth would he consider defending you when he feels nothing?

Perhaps it is time for you to show him that he is still the man of your dreams.

 2. You Never Favor Him 

Ask yourself if roles are reversed, do you do the same for him? Listen, we all know how a male ego can be. They want to be highly revered and respected. Imagine how he feels every time he hears you putting him down in front of others.

Sometimes, we might not even do it in front of others but we talk badly about them to our friends. Unfortunately, the energy carries through in how we treat our husbands.

3. He Wants You To Defend Yourself 

Men get tired too. Maybe he finds it easier for you to defend yourself. Or maybe you haven’t even communicated to him the importance of defending yourself.

I love my husband but he never took it seriously why it was important for him to defend me. He used to say the heck with what people think. Well, that sounds good on paper but the reality is we live in a world where perceptions form a large part of our lives.

After I had a heart-to-heart with him, he understood where I was coming from and has made a concerted effort in speaking up on my behalf.

4. You Never Appreciate His Efforts

When he does defend you, what do you do about it? Do you thank him and show your genuine appreciation for his well-intended actions?

If you fail to do anything, trust me, he will cease any form of effort in the future because he doesn’t see how it helps.

5. You Are Not Compatible 

Hard to accept that my husband defends everyone but me?

Is compatibility an issue for both of you? Personal and painful story here.

When I was dating my now husband, I walked into a room with his friends and his friend commented loudly, “Wow, you have put on so much weight.”

It broke my heart as I have always battled with my weight and was undergoing a very stressful period in my life.

My partner at that time said NOTHING.

I was hurt and devastated and felt I didn’t even have a shoulder to lean on.

I spoke up about the matter much later on and he told me he just views things differently. For him, a friend making that comment should be viewed as fact and it is constructive feedback.

Here is where I questioned my compatibility with him. Me feeling hurt and him saying it’s a fact are actually both true.

In the end, I viewed the experience positively and chose to work on myself i.e.-shed that extra weight to put on a hot bikini again!

6. He Disregards Your Marriage 

Does he take your relationship seriously? Maybe he treats you more like a companion/ roommate than a true lover.

7. He Is Cheating On You

Infidelity affects more couples than we would like to think. Could he be cheating on you? This might be the reason why he doesn’t defend you anymore because he feels nothing for you.

8. He Is Insensitive Toward You 

You might be thinking my husband is a jerk!

I know all about insensitivity when it comes to your husband. After all, I married a man that scored 0/100 on a personality test for empathy.

The first few points of the article showed that my husband couldn’t understand why it was important for him to defend me.

That being said, we can move forward now because I am more vocal about what I need from him.

Even if that means asking him to show grace and empathy towards me or a particular situation.

9. He Never Loved You

Well, he may have married you because the clock was ticking and it was what you have to do rather than doing it out of love.

10. Trying To Act Macho In Front Of Others

He could be trying to look cool in front of others when they make snide remarks about you or laugh at your expense. Unfortunately, this comes across as him being thoughtless in your relationship.

11. Headstrong

Are you strong-willed in your debates/ opinions with others? This might come across as you being a difficult person to others.

 Perhaps he finds you extremely headstrong and he is unable to ‘calm’ you down.

12. He Fundamentally Disagrees With You

Do you feel like my husband defends his ex-wife? Maybe it touches a sensitive past of his and that is why he is more protective.

If you have been married long enough, you know that your partner and you do not have to agree to everything.

You can’t expect him to stand up for you in public if he fundamentally disagrees with you on certain ideologies and principles.

13. You Offend Him

Have you said anything offensive to him? Let’s be real honest here. There will be many times in our relationships when we hurt our partners, either intentionally or unintentionally.

He could be harbouring some hate and resentment and this could manifest in him not defending you.

Food for thought, eh?

14. He Doesn’t Respect Your Thoughts

You may constantly feel like he keeps doing things to hurt me.

This could boil down to him being egotistical. Maybe he thinks his opinions and thoughts are more fascinating.

15. You Are Married To A Disagreeable Guy

What to do when your husband is a jerk, you say?

Well, you may be married to someone who just generally disagrees with anything you have to say just because.

Could be past trauma, his personality or maybe he just likes to annoy you for the sake of it.

16. He Is Insecure

If you think only women are insecure, you are unfortunately incorrect. A lot of men suffer from bruised egos and suffer from insecurities.

His own stresses and personal issues can come up in him not defending you. It is just easier to defend others because we see them less and we often want to look our best in front of others.

17. He Is Mean

I hate to break it to you but some people are plain mean. They thrive on making other people’s life difficult.

As the legendary saying goes, hurt people, hurt people.

25 Tips For What To Do When Your Husband Defends Everyone But You

1. Stand Up For Yourself

Don’t rely on other people to speak up for you. You are only going to be disappointed. Your spouse may have other thoughts or he might not even realize!

2. Communicate With Him

Do you feel your husband always defends his son? Well, there could be many personal reasons behind it.

Speak to him privately on why it is important for him to also defend his wife. He may not have understood the importance – just like my husband.

Personally, my husband might not get a 100% of the importance but he makes an effort after realizing how important it is to me.

3. Minimise Challenging His Opinions

I know you feel like he gets defensive when I tell him how I feel but do some self-reflection on the following question.

Are you argumentative in nature?

I will be the first to admit that I am. I love engaging in debates and can sometimes lose my temper because I feel my point may not come across well if I don’t.

This might not bode too well with my spouse if I continuously do this.

4. Give Him More Time

Perhaps he needs time to process things. Men are not known to think on their feet as easily as women. So give him some space to react and defend you in his own time.

5. Engage With Him

Talking is not the only way to communicate. Spend some quality time with him away from other things like chores and children.

There are some great ideas on how to do so without spending much money!

6. Recreate Memories

If you feel like my husband defends everyone but me, ask yourself the following question.

Have you both lost the spark?

Perhaps this is why he might not be so forthcoming in defending you.

I think it’s important for you to recreate some of the old memories you have together to rekindle the passion once again.

7. Consider Counselling

A lot of people suggest counseling only at the end of their rope. But how about you use this effective tool at the start or even middle of your relationship? This could provide a neutral space for you to have a conversation surrounding this topic of him defending you.

8. Pick The Right Time For Discussion

I have a confession.

I have a horrible habit of laying it all out on my husband the minute he is home from work because I feel frustrated.

Unfortunately, this backfires as the poor man is exhausted from having to deal with all sorts of stress at work and now to come home to this!

Any wonder why he would avoid having a fruitful discussion with me?

So, please choose the right time to speak to your spouse!

9. Self-Manage

This isn’t only about him but about you. Try to exercise some self-control over your emotions.

Newsflash – You don’t always have to win.

Perhaps it is a better opportunity for you to learn from others instead.

10. Be Objective

It is easy for us women to get caught up in our emotions. Take a step back, and breathe.

The time away from our ‘problem’ can provide us with an objective lens.

11. Try To Understand Your Husband

Ask yourself – do you truly understand your husband? Perhaps he prefers a non-confrontational approach to solving problems. This could be why he avoids conflicts in big groups and would rather go along with the crowd.

12. Take Note Of The Season In Your Marriage

Not everything is rosy in marriages – am I right? Perhaps you both are going through a rough patch. So it is easier for him to defend other people than his wife.

13. Be A Good Listener

Do you listen well when he is talking? Are you there intending to understand his concerns or merely so that you can respond to him with a solution?

We don’t realize how often these things make a difference to how our spouse may view us and in turn, defend us.

14. Look At His Current State

Is he undergoing a lot of stress at work? It is always easier to be meaner to your spouse than to show your true colors to your friends.

15. Be Kind

This is a hard one especially if you feel he is in the wrong but try to practice some gentleness and kindness. We often never know what someone else is struggling with.

Our spouses may be afraid to share their thoughts and concerns with you because of how we behave towards them. 

16. Ask Him For Feedback

I try to schedule this every quarter. We have 360 feedback at work, right? Why not use it with our spouses? I line up 3 simple questions.

• What do you think I am doing right in our marriage
• Where do you think I fall short
• How do we want to look like in 5 years

We often forget that our spouses can be our greatest mirrors. If used well, they can often allow us to self-reflect on the journey of self-improvement.

17. Practise Self Care

It is easy to get triggered by what other people say or how they behave especially when you operate from a place of frustration and internal anger.

There are so many self-care for you to choose from and best of all, they don’t cost much!

18. Exercise

Strange suggestion for the topic of my husband defends everyone but me?

Well, hear me out. I need you to focus on you for a bit here. Exercise gives you free endorphins (feel-good chemicals) to help you get your mind off the edge. Try it! You might just be stronger and it will in turn boost your self-confidence.

19. Eat Well

Another quirky suggestion? Haha. I understand but again, listen closely. This might just work the next time you feel my husband defends everyone but me.

Multiple studies have shown the importance of eating nutritious food as it has a direct impact on how we feel about ourselves and in turn our moods.

20. Show Some Enthusiasm

Are you still interested in your spouse? How do you show him this? Do you genuinely care about his interest and hobbies?

If not, are you even surprised that he doesn’t want to defend you?

21. Develop A Strategy Ahead Of Time

Discuss a strategy for when issues come up, either in public or at home.

Look, if you plan to stay married for the next 40 years of your life, you may as well be prepared to have a concrete plan on how to manage conflict.

Agree on an action plan of how you will go about it so that it can meet both your expectations.

22. Meditate

This is another self-care tip that can help you. I know how easy it is to lash out at your husband in the heat of his not defending you. But give yourself a breather by focusing on other tasks.

You may begin to realize that it might not be as big of a problem as you imagined.

23. Avoid Pressing Him

If there is anything I learned in 15 years of being with my spouse, it’s that I cannot change him. If he doesn’t want to defend you, do not force him. He is not a child for you to handle.

24. Avoid Nagging

Once you communicate with him how you feel and have found a resolution in that conversation – consider that topic closed. Don’t keep bringing it up.

I assure you – no one likes to be nagged! But if you continue with this you cannot expect your husband to think of you and this is why you may feel my husband defends everyone but me.

25. Consider Separation

Notice I didn’t use the word divorce here? Well, sometimes some time apart may help you both reexamine the state of your marriage.

Conclusion

So there you have it, we have finally reached the end of the article on my husband defends everyone but me.

I hope you can now understand why this happens so often, what to do about it, and tips on how to navigate the way forward. Try to look at it as a family rather than a me versus you issue.

Always remember that every adversity in your relationship is meant to ‘level’ up your relationship from what it was. And growth, unfortunately, is often always painful.

Let me know in the comments if you have other suggestions that may have worked for you. Let’s try to bring back joy into our marriages!

Frequently Asked Questions For My Husband Defends Everyone But Me

What Does It Mean When Your Spouse Doesn’t Defend You?

Your spouse might feel like they might be extremely averse to conflict. It doesn’t always mean they do not care about you or are being disrespectful.

This could boil down to natural personality traits or some past trauma they may have experienced in their childhood. Speaking to them will help you understand further.

Why Is My Husband So Nice To Everyone But Me?

He feels insecure which is why your spouse may be nice to everyone but you. He might be threatened by your life, success and achievements.

Your husband knows you can do this all without him and might even compare himself to your past partners.

The only way for you to move forward is to speak up.

How Do You Know Your Husband Doesn’t Value You?

He belittles you when you talk. He often makes demeaning comments and is rude. Basically he makes you feel like your presence isn’t worthy of him.

Fundamentally, it boils down to the lack of respect he feels for you. You often feel like you are walking on eggshells and your self esteem suffers greatly.

 When Your Husband Puts Everyone Else First?

Express you feelings the first chance you get. You need to communicate honestly to tell him how you feel.

He may not even realize he is doing it so share your perspectives, emotions and feelings in a non-confrontational manner. Be sure to pick the right time as well to speak.

How Do I Know If My Marriage Is Making Me Unhappy?

Your partner pulling back from the relationship and feeling distant despite being in the same room might be something you notice at first.

You might also feel unheard and not listened to. It is an extremely toxic situation to be in and it can result in a very unhappy marriage.

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